Since it happened…

… I’ve celebrated not being a mother every mother’s day.

Today, all I can think of are my empty arms.  I want to hold you so desperately.  Smell your hair and wrap my fingers in your soft curls.  I want to wash the chalk from your face and eat your rejected star fruit.  Last night I had the chance to play “mommy” and all I want to do right now is love you.

With every “Happy Mother’s Day!  Oops!  Sorry…” my heart beats a little softer. 

I can’t stop wishing I could hold you right now. 

I love you…

Pathetic

I almost cried today
           replaying in my mind
                       wet pavement scraping skin
          as my knees buckled beneath
                                    my heavy heart

               It is not about him
                                  as they all think
                                                             it is about her…

   the girl I once was
                     pathetic and lost

                                         beaten by her own hands
                                   abused in his…

            how I let myself become her
                                          is a mystery unsolved
                         one that keeps hope at bay

          she was I
                       in love… 
                                  hanging on empty promises
                misused and worthless
                                           self-mutilating and broken…

                                                         I hated her then…

                                                                                         I hate her still.

You.

You don’t answer my phone calls anymore.

      … and fall asleep when I need you.

I want to love you still and yet,
                           it is harder than before.

               Self help books on breakups and worth
                         send mixed messages into my thoughts

          … absence is not making my heart grow fonder.

I am here. 

           … but you must earn my love.

                      if that effort is too much for your pride to bear,
                                 tell me now and I will go.

        I believe in us.

                                             don’t take that away from me…

I got my first hate mail today…

… Hate comments more like it.

Greg was kind enough to stop by for a visit and share his complete and utter annoyance with all that Miss Granny Panties has to share.  I couldn’t help but laugh.  I am glad that he said what he had to say and although my first instinct was to delete his nasty comments, I think I will leave them up.

I appreciate comments in all forms. 

Even if they are these:

“Holy crap Gertrude!! The only things you left off were wiping your ass, and breathing for you. What a helpless, reliant, non self-sufficient, weak woman you are!! Women want to be treated equally and all that nonsense, well you know what? Hold the f*#king door yourself!!! I hope for all mankind sake that you become a lesbian, or remain chaste, cuz you will destroy whoever you latch onto! Emphasis on ‘latch’!!!!!!!”

– In response to My Perfect Man.

“Wow! I can’t believe you are taking up so much space on the web with all your useless, unimportant sh*t!!
“Look at me everybody! Here’s everything you ever wanted, or really didn’t give a sh*t to know about me!! Aren’t I special!!” Hold on, I think I hear something….you can hear it too, if you listen in a quiet room. It’s the sound of nobody caring. SHUT UP!!”

At least he had the decency to censor himself ;)

Postsecrets of the Week

He probably has a better ass.

 I’ve heard of this before…

This is what is so incredibly wrong with abuse–
the psychological damages the linger.

This may be the saddest thing I have ever heard.

Thanks.

Here’s a list…

… of the most offensive things ever said to me.

“Em, you’d be really hot if you lost, like, 20 pounds.”

“How much for a night of your company?”

“Yeah, I kinda stuck my hand in the cookie jar.”

“Mooo…”

“Did you fuck water boy in the bushes?”

What a bunch of assholes.

It’s Official.

I am giving up garlic.

Have you ever tried to give up garlic before?

Not only is it utterly delicious, it is in EVERYTHING!

Unfortunately, I can’t fight my allergy to it any longer.  Waking up nauseous after a wonderful meal of hummus, bread and cheese is not a pleasant morning experience.  Especially when it is the garlic breath of death that is the first sign of said hangover. 

So here, my friends is my farewell to my favorite cloved ingredient. 

I will miss you old friend, but sometimes love just isn’t enough. ;)

For all my wonderful readers…

… and all their wonderful blog readers as well:

Thank you!

My 20 Questions are steadily working their way through the blogosphere ;)

It has been so very interesting to see where Gertrude pops up out there in cyber NeverNeverLand. 

Every plug is appreciated and I hope that you take time to check out everyone’s responses to 20 Questions linked here ;) 

It is an amazing thing…

… happiness ;)

I went shopping today.  After having a great date night with Ryan,  (where he may or may not have gotten food poisoning– poor guy!) I decided that because it took me at least 30 minutes longer to get ready than usual because *gasp* my clothes suddenly aren’t fitting right, I needed a wardrobe update.

You all know by now, my philosophy on not being a consumer and though it pained me a little to go be just another one of the masses swiping credit cards for useless things, it had to be done. 

Here’s why ;)

Somehow over the last few weeks, through various positive additions to my life (including a reconnection with my long lost love affair with the gym) I dropped 15 pounds and 17.5 inches!  It just keeps falling off as I let down my walls to let in happiness and possibilities.  Now, I am not complaining about my body’s metabolic anomaly, though I am having a severe case of breast withdrawls au moment.  I am just so amazed at how incredibly different I feel in my own skin. 

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and everyone is their own worst critic, but for the first time in a long time, I am finally feeling what I know I should…

… beautiful ;)

Spring is here and I am embracing it with open arms.  ;)

Can we please take a moment…

… and sit in appreciation of what a total bad ass my very best friend is!

You know you want her ;)