“Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. 
You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit.”

– The words I needed to hear in a way that speaks to my soul.

Hang in there… it is possible to feel again. 

Happiness is just around the corner. 

Love, Emily 2008

I have to fight the urge to slap people
for being so incredibly narrow minded and ignorant. 

That man was once a woman
who chose to keep his reproductive organs
and carry the child his wife couldn’t. 
I think that is pretty amazing… but that is just me ;)

Just a friendly reminder to the girl in the mirror.

… to miss someone who was only in my life such a short time?

… to want so much for things to work only to secretly hope that they don’t?

… to connect so deeply and all at once lose chemistry?

… to know it isn’t right but still want it to be so?

… to be independent and in a relationship with someone who craves neediness to mirror their own?

… to believe the words that are so over-used and under-whelming?

… to want so desperately to cry and not be able to force a single tear?

… to be disappointed at the single line when the double would have lead me down a path with only one option?

… I’ve celebrated not being a mother every mother’s day.

Today, all I can think of are my empty arms.  I want to hold you so desperately.  Smell your hair and wrap my fingers in your soft curls.  I want to wash the chalk from your face and eat your rejected star fruit.  Last night I had the chance to play “mommy” and all I want to do right now is love you.

With every “Happy Mother’s Day!  Oops!  Sorry…” my heart beats a little softer. 

I can’t stop wishing I could hold you right now. 

I love you…

I almost cried today
           replaying in my mind
                       wet pavement scraping skin
          as my knees buckled beneath
                                    my heavy heart

               It is not about him
                                  as they all think
                                                             it is about her…

   the girl I once was
                     pathetic and lost

                                         beaten by her own hands
                                   abused in his…

            how I let myself become her
                                          is a mystery unsolved
                         one that keeps hope at bay

          she was I
                       in love… 
                                  hanging on empty promises
                misused and worthless
                                           self-mutilating and broken…

                                                         I hated her then…

                                                                                         I hate her still.

You don’t answer my phone calls anymore.

      … and fall asleep when I need you.

I want to love you still and yet,
                           it is harder than before.

               Self help books on breakups and worth
                         send mixed messages into my thoughts

          … absence is not making my heart grow fonder.

I am here. 

           … but you must earn my love.

                      if that effort is too much for your pride to bear,
                                 tell me now and I will go.

        I believe in us.

                                             don’t take that away from me…

… Hate comments more like it.

Greg was kind enough to stop by for a visit and share his complete and utter annoyance with all that Miss Granny Panties has to share.  I couldn’t help but laugh.  I am glad that he said what he had to say and although my first instinct was to delete his nasty comments, I think I will leave them up.

I appreciate comments in all forms. 

Even if they are these:

“Holy crap Gertrude!! The only things you left off were wiping your ass, and breathing for you. What a helpless, reliant, non self-sufficient, weak woman you are!! Women want to be treated equally and all that nonsense, well you know what? Hold the f*#king door yourself!!! I hope for all mankind sake that you become a lesbian, or remain chaste, cuz you will destroy whoever you latch onto! Emphasis on ‘latch’!!!!!!!”

– In response to My Perfect Man.

“Wow! I can’t believe you are taking up so much space on the web with all your useless, unimportant sh*t!!
“Look at me everybody! Here’s everything you ever wanted, or really didn’t give a sh*t to know about me!! Aren’t I special!!” Hold on, I think I hear something….you can hear it too, if you listen in a quiet room. It’s the sound of nobody caring. SHUT UP!!”

At least he had the decency to censor himself ;)

.. It is what it is and today could have been a very bad day. 

I made the choice to keep it positive and attract good things to it.  This afternoon, Ryan and I broke up.  He is great, and I am great, but that doesn’t necessarily make us great together. 

What can you do?  I miss him already and really wish that there were some way for us to continue on what I considered to be an amazing journey, but we seemed not to be on the same page and I can’t promise him a future I am not sure I want. 

In lieu of tonight’s ending of the first relationship I have had in years, I took myself to Hall Street.  Not because I wanted to get drunk or flirt with the bartender, but because I feel safe there and now that my roommate moved out and Meags was busy tonight, I wanted to be somewhere I didn’t have to be alone. 

I treated myself to two glasses of a fantastic red wine, John (the bartender) recommended (whose proceeds got to help needy children in California) and a delicious blue cheese salad.  With room to spare, I opted for dessert rather than a second course; and enjoyed to the fullest the caramel apple bread pudding ;)

In keeping with my positive energy attempt to the night, I brought with me The Secret, in hopes to manifest good energy in my potential bad energy day.  As I had hoped, manifestation worked in mysterious ways and during my two and some hour stay at Hall Street, I met a man who is a semi-retired professor for an intercommunication program based out of Portland. 

He gave me a couple of brochures on the program he represents and we talked pretty indepth about what a career in Communication (my major at SOU) would entail.

Then, much to my surprise, Sam, the manager came over and sat next to me and set up an interview for Saturday.

I love the law of attraction!

I made it home early enough to get myself in bed by ten and will sleep the not so dreamless night away.

I miss Ryan, but will not be broken by something that was a positive addition to my life.  I wish him all the best and hope that there is still a chance we can share in each others lives.

Goodnight Moon.